4 Reasons Why Russia Is Going to Slide in Your DMs and Then Kill You from There

1.They casually deny ethnic cleansing

After a bunch of crap hitting the fan in the Armenian-Azerbaijan region, the Armenian people actively expressed their displeasure regarding the Azerbaijani occupation. The natural response to which was ethnic cleansing. The Azerbaijani military and citizen population took to the streets like a Macy’s parade in NYC and then murdered 20 000 Armenians in cold blood. The Russian delegate has wholeheartedly denied that this was active ethnic cleansing and merely dismissed it as casual violence. Russia is like a kid who called the police because his friend broke his leg car surfing. He’s going to tell the cops that it’s because he fell down the stairs or something, but in reality it was because of deep ethnic tensions within the area.

2.They’ll poison your crops and tell you it’s a “blessing in disguise”

The Russian government has taken it upon themselves to end the conflict once and for all by poisoning Armenian water. In their eyes, the conflict takes its roots because Armenian farms are really tight and by poisoning them there is no reason for them to continue fighting. They even go so far as to call the complete obliteration of human livelihood as “a blessing in disguise.” Brought to you in part by the ethnic cleansing deniers.

3.They’ll probably try to cause nuclear unrest

Russia has decided to send a group of 1500 soldiers to the Kazakhstinian border in what I am sure they will call “a friendly checkup.” Kazakhstan is one of the nations who, when Germany took the USSR veto power, went into a state of violent revolt. It is also important to note that Kazakhstan was a former Soviet State, and that it has the world’s largest supply of uranium. I’m no third-grader, but I definitely think that there are some dots to connect in this complex puzzle.

4.They’ll call you out for being a potential Nazi?

In the middle of committee session, without any warning, Russia not only admitting to spying on both Germany and Argentina, but also drew the conclusion that Germany is trying to fund a new Nazi regime. I’m no third-grader, but I definitely think that there AREN’T any dots to connect here. It’s clear that Russia, at this point, is simply desperately trying to cover up their trail of poorly executed connect-the-dots puzzles in order to regain legitimacy. Fortunately, the international community called Russia on its shenanigans and their reputation has been completely tarnished over the course of the past few hours. They should have learned from the age old tale “The Boy Who Cried Nazi.”

Signing off,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Writer-Man